Hi, my name is Sociopathy. I’m 27 years old, and I live in New Orleans. I’m smart, well read and well traveled, cuter than average, take my clothes off for a living, and have a general bored disdain for the general public. I was pretty fatigued, annoyed, maybe even disenchanted with my life until eleven weeks ago, after a surprisingly romantic, whirlwind, week long story book romance, I married my husband ADHD; a tall, handsome man who is just as disturbed as I am, and whose powers of persuasion are augmented by a smooth Louisiana accent that reminds me of warm syrup.

The universe has sent me my match. This is my story.

My husband and I are big fans of ShitMyDadSays. We read the Twitter religiously, scarfed down the first chapter released to the public like it was our job. Then he decided to rip the whole book off the internet ( because he lacks the ability to acquire any entertainment legally- I’m ok with that. I bet you didn’t get all two seasons of True Blood and the new episodes FOR FREE. Or Family Feud for that matter. ) and we haven’t touched it yet, but that’s beside the point.

“Every time I read these quotes off the Twitter I hear it in your Dad’s voice.” ADHD says to me one day.
I look over at him quizzically. “WTF? My dad? I always considered my Dad a cross between Homer Simpson and William Shatner.”
He purses his lips, does that up and to the left thing with his eyes thing people do when they think about things.
“Still. I hear it in your Dad’s voice, don’t ask me why.”
“You know, fuck ShitMyDadSays. I should make ShitMyHusbandSays.”

And that’s where the idea came from. Somehow I figured Twitter wouldn’t do it justice when he scoffs “Psh. Go-go Gadget dick!” while resting his head in my lap with his eyes closed when Robot Chicken plays in the background, or “LOOK AT THAT BIG VEINY TRIUMPHANT BASTARD!” while cruising through AdamandEve.com at 4am after we’ve been watching porn bloopers for, oh say, over five hours.

Yeah five hours. What can I say, some of those accidental threesomes are funny.

Which brings me to Armageddon.

ADHD and I had been sitting up per usual on his night off, slumber party style ( “Did you make a blanket fort?” one of our mutual friends asked me once. I told her I’d definitely bring it up next time. ) when the topic of felching comes up. Now if you’re one of those who has a weak stomach, read no further. With us, there’s no subject uncovered, especially when we’re strung out on our own delirium.

“Oh, no one really does that, it’s an urban legend,” I replied to ADHD’s insistence. “It’s just created to gross people out.”“I’m serious!” He insisted. “People REALLY do that. I didn’t make it up!” I was still skeptical, and squinted my eyes at him.”Yeah, sure, ok. You’re just trying to gross me out.”

In less than two seconds he’d pulled up the browser and Googleslapped me with such a force I was surprised I hadn’t been magically ball gagged.

“RIGHT HERE. LOOK.” he pulled up this magical video on YouTube.

I listened in horror, my eyes getting wide, mouth dropping open more and more every second, until I heard the words

I STUCK A CARDBOARD TUBE UP HIS RECTUM

and was forever scarred while ADHD howled with laughter.

I couldn’t help but join in, despite my state of horror because there’s a particular thing about ADHD’S laughter. He’s not one to laugh very much in every day circumstances, barring you fall down the stairs or the puppy next door gets hit by a car. I understand this, seeing as I have zero sense of humor, and can sit by with my head cocked, a look of confusion splashed across my face while he and everyone else laugh their asses off about some blue dude putting eels in someone’s belly. Usually, his dark eyes are sort of smoldering in disdain at the the customer base that evening at work, or his full lips are curled into a snarl threatening to pistol whip the neighbours, which is a huge dichotomy for me because for Chrissakes, how can someone have such a handsome face and be so evil at the same time?

I swear Abercrombie boys would just burst into flames if they came even remotely close to him.

I digress, when something strikes ADHD as funny, it always catches me off guard. Like the time I was sitting so innocently beside him in bed, reading my eclectic sampling of blogs, when all of the sudden he bursts into laughter so loud I swear I jumped ten feet in the air.

“HE’S WEARING BEDAZZLED PANTS! HAHAHAHAHA! OH MY GOD. BEDAZZLED PANTS!” He was laughing so hard, he could hardly catch his breath and tears are sparkling in the corners of his eyes. I looked at him, wild eyed and frazzled having been ripped out of my peaceful reading selection and exclaimed

“What the fuck? Who’s wearing bedazzles pants?!”

“The guy, this guy in the video! Oh my god!”

Ladies and gentlemen, the video was none other than What What In The Butt. Frankly, I can watch the whole thing without cracking a smile. What I can’t do is watch him laugh like that without cracking a smile.