So I took a look at the title of my last post, and realised that, though I had used that title as an attempt at humour ( something I’ve never been good at try as I might ), I really should explore that topic, for real. I was sitting on my bathroom counter, and the situations kept running through my head, expanding, until I had created in my head what is to be this post now: INFORMATIVE! Who knows, maybe I can get ADHD to write something from his perspective.

Now THAT would be informative, if I’ve ever heard such a definition of the word.

(We will return to adventures next post, I promise.)

I suppose before I get into the meat of things ( har har.. I’m a vegetarian.) it would be imperative to explain how exactly my brain works. The first facet to understand is my thought process is completely non-linear. I described it to ADHD a week or so ago as like those Bing commercials on tv. I take one simple thought, and my brain runs with it resulting in huge tangential conversations which, eventually, return to my original point.

For example, you could ask me about Napoleon Bonaparte. I can answer your question but then my brain goes, NAPOLEON? NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, DYNAMITE- I ONCE MADE C4, C4- THAT’S A CHORD I LEARNED IN CLASSICAL PIANO, CLASSICAL NAPOLEON- OOH NAPOLEON DESSERT- I HAVE A RECIPE FOR THAT, RECIPE - RECIPE FOR DISASTER, DISASTER - NAPOLEON’S DEATH.

I’m not kidding. You should hear some of the long, intricate conversations ADHD and I have when we sit up talking all night on his nights off. They are like epic gladiator battles of words and ideas, crashing into each other, dancing around each other til they fall over from total exhaustion.

So there’s point one.

As a result of this, my attention span is around that of a gnat, or maybe a three year old child. I can’t sit through commercials, as a matter of fact as I write this post I have two auxiliary conversations going on to combat my incessant, unrelenting boredom- which is the next point.

When I am bored, or want something, it is pure, insatiable WANT, and it gets personal QUICKLY. To put this in perspective, imagine you are at an amusement park. It’s 105 degrees outside, the middle of the summer. You have ridden all of the rides, it’s the end of your day. You’re thirsty, and all you want is a drink of water. You don’t care if it is a fountain, a bottle a glass. You just NEED THIS WATER. You go to EVERY PLACE you could find water, there is NONE. You are bored with the rides. You are hot. You are incredibly uncomfortable. You want to scream, yell and pull out every hair on your head because ALL I WANT IS A FUCKING GLASS OF WATER!!!

That’s how I feel about everything.

I remember one day, ADHD had been asked to pick up a shift at work on his day off. I was absolutely INCENSED.

“It’s your day off.” I recall saying flatly.
“Sweetheart, it’s only a few hours. B asked me to pick it up as a favour.”

As soon as B’s name left ADHD’s lips, my indignation turned to disgust. I am convinced that B, an old friend of his whom I dislike for reason I wish not to discuss (however minor), is doing this to manipulate ADHD, and by proxy, me.

“Of course he did. He always wants you to pick up the slack. HE IS TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE.”

Usually in situations like this, ADHD will smile, sigh and hug me, or kiss me on the face, and assure me he will be back soon. He is really the only person who can placate me adequately enough for me to not see it’s the not the end of the world.

ADHD is a good match for me because for some reason, he is absolutely immune to my normal methods of manipulation. If I break something, he tells me to have fun cleaning it up. If I say something personal, he’s got something to one up me. If I freak out, he tells me to take my supplements. He is the only person who can get me to just fucking relax.

My emotions generally span seven things: Inconvenience, frustration, disdain, amusement, pride, elation, and sometimes in a great once in awhile, deep and consuming love.

I don’t do people favours. They are inconvenient to me and unless I stand to gain some amusement or personal gain from them, I will generally refuse. But when I love someone, be it platonic or romantic, it is the most deep seated, loyal love you could imagine. The handful of true friends I have, I would go to the ends of the earth for. I am fiercely protective of them, and want to carry them anywhere and everywhere I go. I feel so bonded with them, it’s like they are a part of me.

Then there is the love I have for ADHD.

The love I have for him could absolutely eat me alive. I find myself saying things like “Sure”, and “Absolutely sweetheart”. I would almost say I coo over him, stroking his hair, kissing his forehead, and using pet names like baby doll and doll face. When he comes home from work I revert from 27 to approximately 5; I run down the hallway and throw my arms around him, always smiling at him, pressing my face into his chest. I love his smell, the cadence in his speech patterns, the reverberation tones of his voice, his facial expressions, how soft his fingers are. If it wasn’t reciprocated 100%, you could almost call it obsessive.

But beyond that, he UNDERSTANDS me. Our level of nonverbal communication is astounding. I can tell him the deepest most perverse or private thoughts I have, and he always listens. I don’t feel crazy, or inconvenienced around him. I truly feel like he is an extension of me.

Aside from ADHD and the few friends I feel bonded with though, forget it. You will be met with “So what?”, “Uh-huh”, “I can’t”, “Do it yourself” or “I don’t care”.

That’s why you can’t reason with someone like me.